I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize