i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
