After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
