I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
