life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
