Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
