I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
