you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
