Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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