Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
