You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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