there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
