the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
