and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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