Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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