I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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