I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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