I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
someone owes me an orgasm
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
