I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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