I look better un-naked...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
