All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
