im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
