I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
farters have to be the big spoon...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
