i don't plan on having that self control this summer
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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