Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
