my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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