WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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