True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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