Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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