As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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