Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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