so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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