i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
