i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
