life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
