I love black thongs
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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