i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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