Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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