Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
