I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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