I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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