dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
