I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I believe in your delicious
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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