Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
