at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize