Got a toothbrush?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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