hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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