I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize