wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize