I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
