so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
