my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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