Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
