how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
