Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize