Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
