Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
