So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
